I’ve been meaning to write about this for weeks now, maybe months, but I never find the right time. Now is not it again, but I just need to let a few things out before I’m hit with another wave of emotion.
It really is a rollercoaster ride. Every minute of the day, with every thought comes a different feeling: sometimes it makes my stomach twist, sometimes it crushes my heart or it makes it race so fast I didn’t know it was possible, or a cold wave comes up inside me through my stomach up to my heart flooding it in a flash. Sometimes it makes me want to cry, sometimes it involuntary opens a big smile on my face.
But yesterday it just made me feel so weak and hopeless and useless I literaly broke down and cried. As I tried to walk away, the tears felt so heavy my knees gave in and I just sat on the ground afraid I was going to fall if I kept going.
And it’s not just the feelings that hurt, 
the heart and stomach actually do physically hurt too! The stomach twists in a different way, a sad way and the heart feels like it’s literally breaking into a million little pieces.
I still cannot believe those words. What pains me the most is knowing that they weren’t true and knowing the real problem behind them and not having a clue what to do or what’s going to happen. Though the worst thing is to know that I’ve become exactly what I’ve always hated: a woman crying and suffering like this because of a man. It’s pathetic. Fortunately, the reasonable part of me still knows that I’m only 24 and that it’s the least of my problems and it shouldn’t be a priority in my life, but still doesn’t make it any easier. I actually could be reacting differently and just move on, but this time I actually choose to “enjoy” the blues so I can appreciate the red more.
Hate to be ordinary, but considering the situation is the most common of all, don’t really care…it’s a bottle of wine and DVD night. It’s usually Ben & Jerry’s, but I think this time is different.
"What came first? The music or the
misery? People worry about kids
playing with guns and watching
violent videos, we're scared that
some sort of culture of violence is
taking them over...
But nobody worries about kids
listening to thousands -- literally
thousands -- of songs about broken
hearts and rejection and pain and
misery and loss.
Did I listen to pop music because I
was miserable, or was I miserable
because I listened to pop music?"
